Food for the Spirit and the Soul

For Inquiring Minds

A vitally important question:

If Sylvester the Cat suddenly fell passionately in love with his mother, would he then be an Oedipuss?

Another vitally important question:

If you met a dog who told you that he was a major star but who refused to tell you his name or give you his autograph, should your immediate question be, “Are you Sirius?”

I dedicate this posting to my sons Dougal and Corrigan, neither of whom has ever been able to fully appreciate my uncommonly sophisticated wit.

Classic Translation

Like Basil Fawlty, “I learnt Classical Spanish,” and not the sort of drivel that they teach in schools or actually speak in, well, Spanish-speaking countries.

A note to a female Spanish teacher:

Subject: El Hispanio Classico

I know that Spanish is gender sensitive (“la feminista touche’” – “a bitchy female grammarian might stab you with a saber”), and so, given your feminine persuasion, the heading should probably read “Herspania Classica,” but that’s a quibble (“el problemo minisculo”). My point is that I have been brushing up (“el sweepo skywardo”) on my Classical Spanish, and my most recent effort appears below.

The Text:
“Hola!!! Me llamo Roberto! Yo soy muy inteligente! buena noche!”

My Translation:
“Dear Ditch: My alpaca’s name is Bob. Listen: It’s smart to drink soy beverages, especially with boney nachos.”

Pretty impressivo (“impressive”).

El Professoro Neralich – Linguisto Varioso

“Somewhere among the clouds above . . .”

Died 27 January 1989 (at age 101) – Sir Thomas Octave Murdoch Sopwith, English aircraft designer and manufacturer whose creations included the legendary Sopwith Camel, one of the best allied fighters during WWI.

For most Americans, the Sopwith Camel is associated with Snoopy, the would-be pilot of “Peanuts” fame, since it was the aircraft which the bellicose beagle flew during his many fanciful and unsuccessful aerial combats with the Red Baron. I think that it would appropriate to refer to Snoopy as the “Sopwith Pup,” since that was actually the nickname of another plane developed by Thomas Sopwith.

Talking Turkey

26 January 1784 – Benjamin Franklin declares his unhappiness over the eagle being selected as America’s symbol, and expresses his preference for the turkey. While Franklin’s stated opinion seems innocuous, I have done some serious scholarly investigation on several conspiracy-related websites, and I have discovered that, in retrospect, Franklin’s comment is actually ominous, and so we are therefore going to have to make a choice between two sinister conclusions regarding one of the Founding Fathers of our nation.

1. Since Rick Perry thoughtfully alerted Americans to the fact that our purported ally Turkey is actually a terrorist state, it is possible that Benjamin Franklin was a covert operative for the Turkish intelligence service, and that his apparently innocent support for poultry was actually an example of cunning political subversion. Skeptical? Then consider this statement by Franklin: “Even if the Mufti [chief jurist] of Constantinople [from the Muslim Ottoman Empire] were to send a missionary to preach Mohammedanism to us, he would find a pulpit at his service.” Given Franklin’s now obvious allegiance to Turkey, how can that remark be construed as anything but treasonous?

2. Ben Franklin, obsessed with turkeys and dedicated to scientific experimentation, was engaged in genetic research of the most hideous sort. People who doubt this possibility should examine the photograph below, which shows a portrait of one of Franklin’s descendents – Tom Butterball Franklin. I suggest that Franklin’s support for the turkey to become our national symbol was clearly a subtle attempt to pave the way for his mutant relative Tom to someday become President.

So which is it, my fellow Americans: Ben Franklin – Spy, or Ben Franklin – Mad Scientist?

And let’s be honest – the two choices are equally fowl.

A Great Day For Book Lovers

Born 25 January 1874 – W. Somerset Maugham, English playwright and novelist. While “Of Human Bondage” is inarguably Maugham’s masterpiece, I recommend that everyone should also read “The Razor’s Edge,” since the novel will speak forcefully to people grown weary of living in a time when mindless consumerism, crackpot religion, and venomous politics have become cultural norms. No matter how old one might be, it is never too late to undertake the quest for a more meaningful existence.

Some quotes from the witty and uncommonly wise W. Somerset Maugham: 

“An unfortunate thing about this world is that the good habits are much easier to give up than the bad ones.”

“Any nation that thinks more of its ease and comfort than its freedom will soon lose its freedom; and the ironical thing about it is that it will lose its ease and comfort too.” 

“Beauty is an ecstasy; it is as simple as hunger. There is really nothing to be said about it. It is like the perfume of a rose: you can smell it and that is all.”

“Death is a very dull, dreary affair, and my advice to you is to have nothing whatsoever to do with it.” 

“I can imagine no more comfortable frame of mind for the conduct of life than a humorous resignation.”

“I’ll give you my opinion of the human race in a nutshell… their heart’s in the right place, but their head is a thoroughly inefficient organ.” 

“Impropriety is the soul of wit.”

“Like all weak men he laid an exaggerated stress on not changing one’s mind.” 
“No egoism is so insufferable as that of the Christian with regard to his soul.” 
“Only a mediocre person is always at his best.”

“When you choose your friends, don’t be short-changed by choosing personality over character.” 

“The most useful thing about a principle is that it can always be sacrificed to expediency.”

“Tradition is a guide and not a jailer.”

Born 25 January 1882 – Virginia Woolf, English author, essayist, and publisher. I think that both “Mrs. Dalloway” and “Orlando” are great novels, but from the time I first read it in graduate school, “To the Lighthouse” has been one of my favorite books. Every time I reread it, I find more to appreciate among its brilliantly crafted complexities. I am also very glad that “Mrs. Dalloway” served as the inspiration for Michael Cunningham’s wonderful novel “The Hours,” as well as for the movie adaptation featuring music by Philip Glass and starring two of my favorite actresses: Julianne Moore and Meryl Streep. I think that Virginia Woolf would be pleased with both book and film.
Some quotes from Virginia Woolf:
“Language is wine upon the lips.”
“On the outskirts of every agony sits some observant fellow who points.”
“The beauty of the world, which is so soon to perish, has two edges, one of laughter, one of anguish, cutting the heart asunder.”
“There is much to support the view that it is clothes that wear us, and not we, them; we may make them take the mould of arm or breast, but they mould our hearts, our brains, our tongues to their liking.”
“Why are women… so much more interesting to men than men are to women?”
“Yet it is in our idleness, in our dreams, that the submerged truth sometimes comes to the top.”

Let’s Begin The New Year With A Smile

“Men first feel necessity, then look for utility, next attend to comfort, still later amuse themselves with pleasure, thence grow dissolute in luxury, and finally go mad and waste their substance.” – Giambattista Vico (died 23 January 1744), Italian philosopher, pretty much describing America’s plans for Super Bowl Sunday.
Below – Giambattista Vico, who probably would have been a Giants fan.

“Nothing is so hideous as an obsolete fashion.” – Stendhal (born 23 January 1783), French writer and author of “The Red and the Black.”
I don’t care about the opinion of some pompous Parisian. I think that I look great in bell-bottom trousers.
Below – Stendhal the hypocrite: That Nehru jacket he’s wearing is so 1960s.

“The mountain sheep are sweeter,
but the valley sheep are fatter;
we therefore deem it meeter
to carry off the latter.” – Thomas Love Peacock (died 23 January 1866), English writer, offering some shrewd dating advice.
Below – Thomas Love Peacock, poet and relationship guru.

It’s Time For America To Stop Being In The Red

Let’s be honest: No one will ever discover a cure for the dread disease Gingeritis, and so, since we normal people are simply going to have to endure having these pariahs in our midst, I have a suggestion that would at least keep them out of sight most of the time. I propose that we ask the government to fund the creation of hundreds of circus sideshows that would then employ Gingers so that they could profit from their terrible handicap. After all, since these hideous creatures are inevitably and justly going to be ridiculed and called freaks of nature, they might as well get paid for it.

Happy New Year!

Today marks the advent of the YEAR OF THE DRAGON, and according to Chinese horoscope lore, the Dragon is a powerful and generally benevolent creature, and so I hope that everyone enjoys much happiness, good health, and prosperity during the coming year.

A Great Role Model For Women

Died 22 January 1901 – Victoria, who reigned as Queen of the United Kingdom and the British Empire for nearly sixty-four years – the longest reign of any female monarch in history. Let us be honest: Most of the purported gains that women have made in the past century seem all but inconsequential when measured against Victoria’s stellar achievement. After all, essentially decorative titles such as Secretary of State, Senator, CEO, M.D., and Professor pale in comparison with “Queen” and “Empress of India.” I therefore suggest that women, particularly American women, need to move beyond their relatively minor accomplishments by both emulating Victoria and, more importantly, attending to her wise words: “The Queen is most anxious to enlist every one who can speak or write to join in checking this mad, wicked folly of ‘Woman’s Rights,’ with all its attendant horrors, on which her poor feeble sex is bent…”


A Pleasant Surprise

Born in 1965 in San Antonio, Texas, Scott Harding is an American artist who works in oil, watercolor, pastel, and pencil. Harding is especially adept at painting the human form, and while his style is generally realistic, it is complicated by a subtle impressionism, and it is hard not to be moved by the beauty and passion that emerge from Harding’s canvases. 
In addition to being impressive artistic accomplishments, Hardy’s paintings are a reminder that, despite so many examples to the contrary, something good can come out of Texas.