Dear Dr. Christmas:
Like many people, I really hate Christmas shopping, but what bothers me the most about having to do it is the existence of all those cheery little elves who assist Santa at the Mall. They do so many annoying things, like smiling and being friendly, and it’s driving me to drink. More. What should I do? – Lindsay
I share your intense dislike of these pestilential little creatures, and I have a suggestion that has always helped me to deal with their unendurably ebullient spirits, especially on those occasions when I am feeling a little grumpier than usual consequent to imbibing a dollop or two of Christmas punch the evening before. Wait until one of the little brutes turns its back to you, then smack it over the head with a heavy candy cane. Next, open up a paper clip and stick one of the pointed ends through the collar of its shirt, and then hang the now-pacified imp from a limb of the nearest Christmas tree. If you’re feeling puckish at the time, place a number of heavy sticks below the elfish ornament, attach a sign to it that reads “Christmas Pinata,” and then stand nearby to watch the happy results. You’ll fell better in no time.
Good Hunting –