August 9, 1842: The United States signs the Webster-Ashburton Treaty, which settles several border disputes with Canada, including the boundary between Maine and New Brunswick – but not in America’s favor! We actually folded in a stare-down contest with Canadians! Whatever happened to “Fifty-four Forty or Fight!”
I suggest that we redress this wound to our national pride immediately by raising a citizen army and marching on Moncton. I’m not sure exactly where the city is, and neither did any of the Canadians I asked about it, but it’s somewhere in New Brunswick, the precise location of which I’m not too sure about, either.
Actually, Michele Bachmann could probably take down the place by herself, at least if she were able to get unsuspecting (Monctonites? Monctonians?) citizens of the city to look into her terrifyingly spooky eyes. Now that’s a stare-down no Canadian is going to win!
And look at the pathetic defenses that the Canadian army (or an insane sculptor) has erected around Moncton:
By the way, I found this photograph of the Moncton skyline on a semi-top-secret website (Eh?.com) that specializes in heavily-dsicounted military surplus clothing, fishing gear, and Newt Gingrich campaign posters. I can get everyone a really good deal on either khaki socks or trout flies, but even at ten cents apiece, the posters are overpriced.
By seizing Moncton, we’d really just be taking back what was ours to begin with – ours, that is, before liberal treaty-mongers sold us down the river – probably the Saint Lawrence. How much longer are we expected to endure multiple outrages at the hands of New Brunswickers – as when, for example, Canadian bacon displaces more wholesome American pizza toppings, like pepperoni and Italian sausage? And I’ll bet that right now, somewhere in Moncton, gleeful Canadians are gloating about having free health care, the damn socialists. Well, patriotic Americans, as Sarah Palin once said, “We used to hustle over the border for health care we received in Canada. And I think now, isn’t that ironic?” Wait, did she really say that?