It’s Not Brain Surgery. No, Wait – It Is.

14 September 1956 – Surgeons J. W. Watts and Walter Freeman perform the first successful pre-frontal lobotomy. Though this procedure, used as an intervention in individuals with severe psychiatric problems, was once widely employed, it has now largely been superseded by the advent of antipsychotic medications. An additional reason for the decline of lobotomies is that they have dire consequences for people who undergo them. However, recently I have come to suspect that lobotomies are still being performed in the United States, since their effects are readily apparent in any number of Americans, some of them rather famous. For example, I contend that lobotomies have been mandatory for every governor of Texas since 1995.

Skeptical? Then consider some of the results of being lobotomized: Irresponsibility, distractibility, lack of tact or discipline, and difficulties with problem solving and language. Sound familiar?
Further, I maintain that, except for John Huntsman, every candidate in the recent Republican Tea Party Debate showed classic signs of post-lobotomy syndrome:

Theater of Operations?


The proof? In addition to the symptoms listed above, consider the following consequences of being lobotomized: Trouble with problem solving, impulsiveness, faulty memory, and poor judgment – especially in situations that involve everyday life, as in the life of everyday working people. I’m sure that anyone who suffered through this “debate” will now at least entertain my thesis that the mean-spiritedness, stupidity, and bigotry they witnessed were obviously examples of surgically-induced brain loss. What other explanation could account for the fact that so many failed human beings were together in the same place at one time?

Finally, I point to the group that is most obviously in a state of impaired brain function – the audience at the debate, especially the ones who loudly opined that if someone were unable to pay for medical treatment, he or she should be allowed to die. And let’s be honest: Their view is nothing more than the logical consequence of the policies espoused by most of the candidates. Fifty million Americans are currently without health insurance; should they all be allowed to die if they do not have the cash to pay a physician or a hospital? Should their sick but impoverished children be forced to perish as well?
I submit that these ethical culls show two additional signs that they have been lobotomized: A lack of socialization skills coupled with a narcissism so pervasive that they cannot imagine – or empathize with – anything or anyone outside their puny, ideologically-driven selves.

What would the Founding Fathers do? Like all sane, intelligent, informed, and compassionate human beings, they would ridicule the Tea Party and dissociate themselves from its vile ambitions for our dear Republic. After all, it is bad enough not to possess anything like a fully functioning brain, but it is altogether unconscionable when that flaw is compounded by the complete absence of a loving heart.

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