An Important Service Announcement: I Am The New Prophet Of Professional Football And Everything Else.
The false prophet Tim Tebow has fallen from grace, but fear not, for I have received a sign from the heavens that I am the true apple of god’s cosmic eye. You rightly demand proof, and here it is: Behold the photograph below, which shows a black feather that miraculously appeared in my front yard this morning. It is obviously from a raven, and so here is the bold prophecy on which I stake my claim to divine favor: The Baltimore Ravens will win Super Bowl XLVI. After the Ravens prevail, I will immediately devote myself to the serious business of becoming an American religious celebrity by establishing a non-profit corporation with its own non-accredited university, setting up a tithing schedule (you will all be sending me 20% of your earnings – and that’s gross earnings, my slavish devotees, not net), being a color commentator on ESPN, marketing sacred artifacts (holy feather dusters, Black Bird of Happiness ceramic figurines, Poe Boy sandwiches, etc.), and promoting my new book on radio and television talk shows – “In Tim We Trust – Nevermore!”