26 January 1784 – Benjamin Franklin declares his unhappiness over the eagle being selected as America’s symbol, and expresses his preference for the turkey. While Franklin’s stated opinion seems innocuous, I have done some serious scholarly investigation on several conspiracy-related websites, and I have discovered that, in retrospect, Franklin’s comment is actually ominous, and so we are therefore going to have to make a choice between two sinister conclusions regarding one of the Founding Fathers of our nation.
1. Since Rick Perry thoughtfully alerted Americans to the fact that our purported ally Turkey is actually a terrorist state, it is possible that Benjamin Franklin was a covert operative for the Turkish intelligence service, and that his apparently innocent support for poultry was actually an example of cunning political subversion. Skeptical? Then consider this statement by Franklin: “Even if the Mufti [chief jurist] of Constantinople [from the Muslim Ottoman Empire] were to send a missionary to preach Mohammedanism to us, he would find a pulpit at his service.” Given Franklin’s now obvious allegiance to Turkey, how can that remark be construed as anything but treasonous?
2. Ben Franklin, obsessed with turkeys and dedicated to scientific experimentation, was engaged in genetic research of the most hideous sort. People who doubt this possibility should examine the photograph below, which shows a portrait of one of Franklin’s descendents – Tom Butterball Franklin. I suggest that Franklin’s support for the turkey to become our national symbol was clearly a subtle attempt to pave the way for his mutant relative Tom to someday become President.
So which is it, my fellow Americans: Ben Franklin – Spy, or Ben Franklin – Mad Scientist?
And let’s be honest – the two choices are equally fowl.