Because the diverse parts of human nature need to be nourished in different ways.
When I was a young man living in New Jersey, I would often take the bus across the George Washington Bridge into Manhattan, in order to ride the subway downtown to the bookstores, art galleries, and coffee shops of Greenwich Village. One evening the Port Authority Police stopped the bus on which I was traveling, because a blizzard had temporarily closed the bridge. Rather than return home, I decided to walk across the bridge, and it was a memorable experience: I was quickly enveloped in the deep quiet that attends a serious snow fall, and the lights of the great city were barely visible in the spindrift. I could not even see the wide Hudson coursing seaward just below me, and places long familiar had become strange. The storm suddenly increased in intensity, and for a brief moment I feared losing my way, and so I kept my hand steady on the rail as I walked steadily forward into what seemed the very heart of winter.
The photograph below reminds me of that occasion, and I hope that it both delights everyone with its haunting beauty and perhaps causes a few people to recollect some equally memorable time and place in a now-distant winter of their own.
I know that the tawdry morality play masquerading as political campaigning in your state is an embarrassment to many thoughtful Iowans, regardless of their party affiliation. The candidates for whom Republicans will vote in caucuses tomorrow run the gamut from mediocre to deplorable, and the support they garner from large numbers of ignorant, superstitious, and hate-filled people must sometimes make intelligent and informed Iowans feel very lonely. If there is a crumb of comfort I can offer you it is this: If you lived in Texas, you would feel even lonelier.
Elizabeth Arden
Born 31 December 1884 – Florence Nightingale Graham, Canadian-American businesswoman who, under the name Elizabeth Arden, built a cosmetics empire in the United States and became one of the wealthiest women on the planet. Here is a quote from Elizabeth Arden that every male should ponder in the new year: “Treat a horse like a woman and a woman like a horse. And they’ll both win for you.”
Gentlemen: Given Elizabeth Arden’s impeccable credentials (she was a woman; she was rich), if your girlfriend/spouse/concubine (lucky you!) objects to this sound relationship advice, she is almost certainly either a man-hating feminist or, worse, a liberty-loathing socialist, and so you should dump her immediately.
Below: An appropriate gift for your special lady (oats not included).
Custom Leather Feed Bag
Not to belabor the obvious, but with the Iowa caucuses just days away, this seems a timely reminder: “Public office is the last refuge of a scoundrel.” – Boies Penrose, Republican politician and United States Senator from Pennsylvania, who died on 31 December 1921.
We can smile at this statement, but the joke is on us, because only a nation that is intellectually incompetent, ethically benighted, and politically corrupt would continue to elect so many scoundrels to public office.
Boies Penrose
A Painting of Some Joseph Phelps Vineyards
Cinematic propaganda to the contrary, as every astute person knows, the best Christmas gift anyone can receive is not a BB gun, but a pony. If Santa Claus accidentally forgets to bring me a horse this year (as he has for the past thirty years or so), then I hope that he will bring me some good wine, and two bottles from Joseph Phelps Vineyards are right at the top of my Christmas gift wish list.
Most wine lovers know that the 2007 vintage in California was remarkable and that it produced some of the greatest wines in the state’s history. However, it is not as widely appreciated that the 2008 vintage was nearly as good, and as evidence in support of this contention, I offer Joseph Phelps Vineyards 2008 Napa Valley Insignia ($200), the most incredible wine that I have tasted in the past year. Blended from estated-grown Cabernet Sauvignon, Petit Verdot, and Merlot, 2008 Insignia has seductive dark berry, mocha, and mint aromas that lead to richly complex and beautifully orchestrated flavors that include blueberry, cassis, plum, and sweet oak, with hints of coffee, mineral, and cedar lingering in the background, all of which close in a long, resonant, polished finish.
For many years, I have had the same white wine with my Thanksgiving repast, and this year was no exception, because Joseph Phelps Vineyards 2010 Napa Valley Sauvignon Blanc ($32), like its predecessors, is one of the most versatile and delectable dinner wines available. This wine’s attractive lemon and tropical fruit aromas precede ripe melon, citrus, and guava flavors that are accompanied by a creamy texture and which find closure in a crisp finish. Joseph Phelps Vineyards 2010 Sauvignon Blanc would perfectly complement most dinners featuring poultry or fish, and it would go equally will with oysters.
If there are people on your holiday gift list who love good wine, I strongly recommend giving them one or both of the Joseph Phelps wines described above. I know that I would certainly be delighted to find them under my Christmas tree, though I would also really (really) like to get a pony this year. Looking over my behavioral ledger for the past twelve months, I find that I have been almost perfectly nice, and I assure everyone that to construe any of my behavior as naughty would be a grievous error most likely caused by either misunderstanding or mistaken identity. It’s enough that I have to contend with an obvious ideological bias on the part of elves, many of whom are clearly afflicted with an anti-equine fanaticism that has influenced Santa to bring me socks and shirts every Christmas instead of a pony. In any event, I remain hopeful that this will be my year, and I wish everyone a Merry Christmas.
Please, please, please . . .
19 December 1843 – Charles Dickens publishes “A Christmas Carol”
While watching the most recent Presidential candidate debate, I suddenly realized how badly I have misjudged Ebenezer Scrooge. It is now clear to me that, far from being a greedy, heartless, exploitative miser, Scrooge is merely a pragmatic businessman competing in the marketplace with his peers, and since he is aggressively vocal in his support of housing for the unemployed (prisons) and jobs for the destitute (workhouses), he is best understood as a “compassionate conservative.” In short, Ebenezer Scrooge was a good Republican, and if you have listened to Bachmann, Paul, Gingrich, Romney, Perry, and Santorum, I’m sure that many of you share my wish that they could all be transported back to mid-nineteenth century London, a time and place more suited to their economic and political humbug.
The Founder of the Feast
Dear Dr. Santa: What is your favorite Christmas movie? Ebenzer S
Dear Ebenezer: To get myself into the proper seasonal mood, every Christmas Eve I watch “A Christmas Carol,” starring Alastair Sim. Of course I always run the movie backwards, because Dr. Santa loves a happy ending.
Wes Studi
Born 17 December 1947 – Wes Studi, a Cherokee actor who has received much-merited praise for his screen portrayals of Native Americans. Studi has appeared in “Dances with Wolves,” “The Last of the Mohicans,” “Geronimo: An American Legend,” and “Pow-Wow Highway.”
While most of these facts about Studi are well-known, few individuals recall that he was a cast member in one of the few indisputably great movies ever made: “Deep Rising.” I remind everyone that in order to achieve cinematic greatness a film must possess three elements: A devastatingly violent monster, a group of men with a variety of powerful weapons who nevertheless get murdered in graphic ways by aforementioned monster, and a cute Asian babe. These things are all present in “Deep Rising,” and it is therefore great.
And before people start complaining, please understand that I don’t make the cinematic rules, I merely enforce them.
Below – Uma Damon, Bestower of Cinematic Greatness, in “Deep Rising”
Dear Dr. Santa: Is it really true that it is better to give than to receive? – “Tiny” Tim Cratchit
Dear Tim: Yes, it is true – but only if kicks and punches are involved.
Below – The Spirit of Christmas
17 December 1790 – The Aztec calendar stone is discovered in Mexico City. After two centuries of concerted effort, linguists deciphered it just this morning, and they discovered that it offers two dire warnings. First: “Never believe anything the Mayans say about an approaching apocalypse. They are the Chicken Littles of Mesoamerica – always forecasting a cosmic disaster and then, when it doesn’t occur, recalibrating the date. They might as well be doomsday Christians. The world will not be destroyed in 2012, because our Aztec astrologers have determined with unerring accuracy that in every meaningful way it will end on 3 February 1959, since that will be the day the music died.” Second: “Never invest political authority in anyone from Texas, since most of the elected officials in that sorry place have a shockingly weak allegiance to both reality and truth. In fact, we’re considering building a wall along our northern border to keep Texans from sneaking into our country and stealing Aztec jobs.”
