Dear Dr. Christmas: What is your favorite Christmas dinner? – Hannibal
Even though admitting it makes me appear sentimental, I always enjoy a traditional repast on Christmas day. I begin with venison, of course, baked in a moderately hot oven for about three hours, since it amplifies the joy of my yuletide feast to remember the success with which I took to the woods – or to the rooftop – on Christmas eve, shotgun in hand, to hunt for my main course.
Because I’m trying to lessen my carbohydrate intake, the side dish at my Christmas banquet will be sauteed elf, simmered to slow-cooked perfection in a stout sauce pan with a heavy lid, in order to mute the worthless runt’s pleas for mercy. If it had wanted mercy, it should have convinced its Dread, Red-Suited Overlord to bring me a pony for Christmas. When Rudolph and Elfie are done, I will arrange them together festively on a large serving dish and garnish both with mistletoe. Yum!
For dessert this year, I am preparing a Sugar Plum Fairy, which I will first place in the refrigerator for at least six hours, in order to have the cold stupefy it somewhat so that it does not attempt to break out of the microwave. I will cook it for about twenty minutes, or until its wings turn golden brown, with the setting on “medium”; otherwise, this delightful confection is apt to explode, coating the inside of the microwave with a sugary layer of goo. If this happens, I immediately scrape the walls of the oven with something abrasive. I usually employ a reindeer antler for this task, since so many of them litter my backyard.
Bon appetit –