I just discovered that one of President Obama’s bosom buddies was recently arrested in Hawaii for allegedly consorting with a prostitute. While I do not generally concern myself with the personal affairs of other people, there was something in the news report that I found impossible to ignore – namely, the identity of the accused: Robert Titcomb. Really – his last name is Titcomb. What more appropriate name could a whoremonger desire than “Titcomb”?
However, if such a thing as a titcomb actually did exist, employing one might prove to be somewhat painful. It is difficult to imagine a caring husband or a sensitive boyfriend turning to his beloved and saying, “Before we go out this evening, my dear, I believe that you might benefit from a few strokes of your titcomb.” Of course, I suppose the proper etiquette in this matter would depend on where the couple happened to be going, and a man could conceivably say such a thing to his lady fair if they were about to experience something together that was particularly salacious, such as participating in the making of a XXX movie, for example, or enduring a full body scan at their local airport.
I suggest that this sordid Titcomb affair can have one potentially positive outcome: In an odd way, it could strike a blow for gender equity, at least linguistically. After all, though the usage is slightly archaic, we have for centuries referred to a conceited but foolish man as a coxcomb, and now I think that it is incumbent upon us to begin referring to a woman with the same sort of obnoxious character as a titcomb. I could then state, for instance, that “While Sarah Palin has undeniable charisma, intellectually speaking, she is an utter titcomb.” Don’t you think that sounds considerably more decorous than “Sarah Palin is a clueless bimbo”?
If there are any new developments in this case, I promise to keep you abreast of them, dear readers. Until then, as Vonnegut so aptly put it, so it goes, and in the case of the now-busted Mr. Titcomb and his licentious “date,” that go is assuredly down.