Prophecies You Can Count On

17 December 1790 – The Aztec calendar stone is discovered in Mexico City. After two centuries of concerted effort, linguists deciphered it just this morning, and they discovered that it offers two dire warnings. First: “Never believe anything the Mayans say about an approaching apocalypse. They are the Chicken Littles of Mesoamerica – always forecasting a cosmic disaster and then, when it doesn’t occur, recalibrating the date. They might as well be doomsday Christians. The world will not be destroyed in 2012, because our Aztec astrologers have determined with unerring accuracy that in every meaningful way it will end on 3 February 1959, since that will be the day the music died.” Second: “Never invest political authority in anyone from Texas, since most of the elected officials in that sorry place have a shockingly weak allegiance to both reality and truth. In fact, we’re considering building a wall along our northern border to keep Texans from sneaking into our country and stealing Aztec jobs.”

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