Bringing Home The Bacon: It’s Time To Invade Canada


6 June 1813 – With the help of treasonous American Loyalists, Canadian forces defeat the invading army of the United States at Stoney Creek, Ontario during the War of 1812, thereby frustrating our nation’s selfless attempt to bring civilization to the hockey-loving, offensively well-mannered, perpetually snow-covered, free-health-care socialists to our north. This blotch on the escutcheon of American military honor needs to be expunged, and with the help of the seven pictures, I will explain how our soldiers lost the battle, what patriotic Americans can and must do to avenge them, and why Canada will continue to be our Northern Nemesis until such time as we act in a decisive and righteous manner to assure ourselves a better and more secure future.


This is the only known photograph of the Canadian Field Marshall in charge of the strategic disposition of forces during the battle. What chance did our brave lads have against such an obvious military genius?


This drawing depicts the two generals who were responsible for Canadian combat operations at Stoney Creek. I’m sure that they employed unfair tactics against our troops, including inappropriate humor.


This is the monument in Stoney Creek that both celebrates Canada’s victory and mocks America’s defeat. What an insult to the collective dignity of the United States! (Nonetheless, it would be pretty cool to have a castle like this one in the parks of every American town and city.)


Here’s an intelligent response to the question of what is causing most of America’s current fiscal distress: Blame Canada! Need evidence? Have you checked the artificially inflated price of Canadian bacon lately? Do you know how many Americans go to bed hungry each night because they cannot afford to include Canadian bacon among their pizza toppings? How long will we allow ourselves to be held hostage to this sort of economic extortion?


This is Canadian model Maria Werbowy, who is present in this diatribe for no other reason than to provide a gratuitous display of sexuality.


Here’s my proposal for both exacting a measure of long-overdue revenge on perfidious Canadians and solving most of our country’s financial problems: Re-Invade Canada! I foresee just one potentially serious obstacle to realizing this worthy ambition: Given the state of education in the United States, there might not be a sufficient number of Americans of military age who can find Canada on a map. (Skeptics should know that a Gallup/Harris poll taken in 2008 revealed that 37% of Americans could not locate the United States on a map. It’s a damn good thing we don’t have to invade our own country.) But let’s not allow geographical ignorance to temper our bellicose passion; we will find Canada without the help of a road atlas. (Our warriors can borrow my iPhone 4, on which I have downloaded Apple Maps. Nothing “Apple” will ever fail us.) I mean, how hard can it be to locate the place? It’s somewhere “up there” just past Wisconsin, right? Or maybe it’s Montana. Yes, that’s it – Montana. Our army will march west until it reaches Wyoming, then it will turn right and march forward until it transits Montana and crosses the Canadian border. Our troops will know that they’ve arrived in enemy territory when one of them asks a local how far it is to Stoney Creek, and he replies “Aboot 2,700 kilometers” – the vowel-slurring commie.


It’s time.

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